It can be easy to see or feel something we don’t like and jump into the (generally unconscious) pattern that it is external in nature and someone or something is to blame. In my experience (and metaphysically speaking, too) this is usually not the case.
A little backstory, I am a being who deeply aligns to the importance of buying and eating organic food - that is the kind of world I want to say yes to – that is where I want to place my energy. (And, I understand that, historically, systemic inequality and subsidized toxic farming has made it trickier for this kind of food to be accessible to all - note I purposefully say historically because paradigms are shifting and people are waking up - we are deeply interwoven to all of life.) This isn’t a post about the merits or deep importance of organic food, though there are many: safety and dignity of the farmers and the lands, nourishing the water and soil, nourishing the animals and beings who drink from the nearby streams (and all beings who drink and work with water because all water is woven), and every single being on earth and in the cosmos because, well, it’s all interconnected, too. This is a post about the internal work of coming back to ourselves, and the ways in which the universe is, indeed, our mirror.
For a lot my life I have struggled with understanding how folks can engage in dousing the lands and its many loving inhabitants in toxic chemicals - it really, truly, hurts my heart. This paradigm has been so confusing to me. Objectively, toxic chemicals are not healthy – there is much intuition, ancient wisdom, (and science - if you fancy) to show that not only is this a harmful decision but that it is not even necessary to farm this way either – there is an abundance of healthier and regenerative options. Indeed, nature has abundance built into its source code - our limits are our mindsets, not our ability to douse the lands in chemicals. So, I think many may agree that my dislike is perhaps a fairly normal sentiment, all things considered. I can find many reasons to justify this within me and that’s where it can get tricky – it is all too easy to ignore my insides, a process of ignoring that has been taught/learned – which, bonus!, means it can be unlearned. It is also easy and familiar to point fingers, find blame and be angry - another learned behaviour. I can easily brush off the deeper pull and say – well of course I feel this way, this is nuts! who does this?!! this is absurd!! It’s “their” fault. Who is “they”, though? And what is fault?
Where I'm living in this moment, the west, it appears that folks have gotten very familiar with pointing fingers and blaming someone, something – “out there”. But I have to get honest with myself - there is a deeper pull to this - there is an emotional charge around this. It's beyond a mere dislike, when I think about the people who engage in these decisions, these activities to use toxic chemicals on my mother, it activates physical sensations within me. What is that about? I wondered. And in that wondering – the answers showed up at my proverbial doorstep, piece by piece until it all clicked in. Thank you, universe.
When we are activated, there is always information for healing within that activation. It’s kind of like how in nature, that which remedies an irritation always grows near that which may cause said irritation (for example – jewelweed grows near poison ivy) – mama nature has our back. She loves us so. Same with the universe. Same with it all. These patterns repeat within us as well. We can unlock that medicine by getting curious, and staying open about that which is creating an activation within us.
So, here is where the pieces started to come through. One night, a few months ago now, I was listening to podcast and something they said anecdotally got me thinking – well actually, it initially activated me, and then I got curious about that activation and figured it may be worth exploring…. So, later that night I started to look online and I asked some folks in a group chat about something related to food, but not specifically about organic farming. A dear friend from this group divinely shared that they found when they feel resistance to a type of food - that there is usually some form of medicine to be found within that resistance. Funny how the psyche prepares us for revelation. What flashed to mind were my feelings around non-organic food/farming; and when I thought about it I also had a bodily response of closing in, feeling small, feeling scared, feeling my back up like I may be bracing for protection, and some feelings of anger in there as well. While a part of me quickly noted that my dislike was valid for a plethora of reasons, another, arguably quieter, part was encouraging me to be curious about it. I’ve certainly become accustomed to holding these seemingly contradictory states – thank goodness. At that point it was time for bed so I let it be.
Fast forward to the next morning – I am listening to a heart opening meditation from Joe Dispenza. In the meditation there is a beautiful moment where we are visualizing the earth from space, and then we get to bring the earth into our heart center, hold it there and love on it –oooo! This was heaven for me. I love loving earth. As I was doing this, and crying tears of joy, I was thinking - this is all I ever wanted to do – was place you in my heart and love you forever. Actually, even before we were invited to bring the earth into our hearts I felt this yearning to do it so when we were called to,I zoomed it right on in - like long lost loves being reunited again. If you know me, you know I have a lot of love to give to this earth and its inhabitants and I am perpetually in awe and in love by earth – letting more love and awe out each and every day.
At the end of the meditation, Dispenza spoke about how much capacity we have to heal, and then went on to say "but the change that we want to see in the world, has to first start with ourselves. If there are things that we don't like in the world, we should first look to see if any of that is within us”. And in that instant it all became clear. You know, when all the pieces click and you have this big ah-ha moment of insight. It’s like all these miscellaneous pieces, bits and bops of intel and sensation were standing by the sidelines, waiting and ready for their cue, and in an instant they all come together and a deep understanding becomes embodied. It’s an instant depth of knowing, of synchronizing, of coherence perhaps. It is so blissful and grounding when this happens.
What became clear was – I was doing to myself, what these industries/people were doing to the lands, to mother earth. What? The poison that they sprayed upon the lands I was spraying upon my psyche by way of negative self-talk and limiting beliefs. A lot of which was inherited by my childhood programming and was not even conscious - I was just living life how I had learned to live, within a particular consciousness, within a particular paradigm. This is why it bothered me so much. Just as farmers /industry is, fairly unconsciously, dousing chemicals, aka poison, onto crops and seeking to manicure them into an acceptable-by-society standard, I had been doing the same to myself, to my being. My inner critic was the poison I was placing upon my psyche every day. My playing small, and suppressing parts of me, were other poisons I used to curate a type of crop (me) that would be suitable to the outside world – that would sell, that would be marketable, that people would like, that would hopefully make a profit – so I could belong and feel safe. I did these things out of fear, a fear that I may not be loved, or lovable, a fear that I may never belong - all of which was old subconscious programming. A lot of it occurred on the subconscious level, and this experience brought it to the conscious field.
I proceeded to have a good loving, life-affirming, cry while looking into the mirror telling myself how sorry I was, how deeply I saw myself now, how much I loved myself and ya, wow. It’s funny how these things can and do happen in an instant and you are forever changed. Just like that. And so it is. And yet, how easily we can become muddled, looking back at my voice memos this happened around October 24, 2019 and five months later I am revisiting this to finally post (yay - navigating self-doubt) and I’m like OH RIGHT! This is a powerful lesson. I suppose that’s what happens with insights, they come in an instant and then it is the practice, the continued daily practice to anchor those insights in and make them your lived reality.
In that moment I realized - how could I be mad at someone else when I was doing it, too? Instead of projecting my blame upon the folks who do this work, I can now see it as a gift – a message. The fixation I had on wondering how it is people could do such a thing, was really my externalization of trying to process how I could do such a thing to my being. Particularly when I was saying one thing – how much I love nature and want organic farming but I was not completing that feeling internally. I am nature too. If I love the nature outside of me, why do I not love the nature that is me, too? It's also a mind trick in a way because the two are the same - but it has to start from the inside or it feels incomplete/distorted.
Let’s be clear, I still don’t love pesticides and wholeheartedly know we can do better than that, nature knows so too. Yet, I am happy to report that within my body I no longer have the same somatic response of resistance in my being. This feels more like a preference and something I will advocate for, however it is not triggering me into contraction. I remain my expanded self, full of care and compassion for those that are within that particular paradigm. I no longer look out and say “how can "they" do this!”; one, because I realize that I have been doing it as well, so a level of understanding and compassion builds, and two, because I realize that they are also me - we are not separate.
Where I once had confusion, frustration, unrest I now have compassion, love, and hope. And, this is the magic of doing the internal work. I see that they, too, are people who have perhaps lost their way, within a distortion. Or perhaps the distortion existed only because of the internal fragmentation within my own being. Was it really all a projection? Is the widespread nature of this condition merely collective projection which we can, each and every one of us playing a role, can all call back? I will say that since that, I have been able to find organic apples at the food coop consistently, whereas before, for 3 years since living in the city I'm in, I had not seen them there. I have certainly found that when I have integrated, I no longer witness the things that once activated me – their purpose being served, they make their way out.
That the universe mirrors what is within if it is left unconscious for too long, is truly a gift. How else might I come to realize who I am, if it were not for the ability to see myself in everything in this universe. Indeed, this question of Who Am I is connected to the origins of the universe. The practice for me is to tune into my body, to listen to what may be going on, internally, and give my care, love and neutral observation to it such that it does not need to manifest externally to get my attention. And, to call back and clean up what I may have created when I was not sure who I was. And in all this work, I come to remember who I really am and what alchemical powers I have always held.
Thank-you nature, humanity, the universe, and life itself for teaching me a little more each day; you are forever in my heart of hearts. What a gift this experience of life truly is.
Blessings and love to you all. May you forever shower your inner garden with all the love in the Universe – that is you, too. As many of Tosha Silver's prayers end - I am you, you are me, we are one, all is well.